Letter to Myself: On Becoming a Mother

This is a letter I wrote to myself, a few years after becoming a mother. A letter to my past self, when I was pregnant. I had completely forgotten about it and recently found it in a suitcase.

I share it now because I know many women walk through birth without knowing what awaits them on the other side—not just the baby, but the transformation of who they were. I wrote this for the woman I was, and it is very personal, but I feel it can serve others, too.

December 20, 2021

Eight years and three months after becoming a mother for the first time

Three years and six months after becoming a mother for the second time

Kate, Kate, Ekaterina,

There is no way I can describe what will happen to you, and I don't know if you would understand me, if you would want to know, if you would listen... 

They say that sikhs wear turbans to cover their third eye—so that they cannot see with it, with their intuition, what will happen to them when they go into battle. Because how could you go (to war) if you knew for sure that you would die?

How could I tell you then, "Prepare to die"? How could I tell you, "You will never be the same again"?

Even if you accepted it immediately after it happened—when Surya was born, Katia died. Another being was born... a mother you didn't know. I think that if you had known, you would have been scared. But when it happened, you weren't afraid. Not at all. It just was. 

Maybe I would tell you other, much simpler things:

• After you give birth, stay in bed, at least for a week, preferably two. 

• Don't do anything around the house, nothing except being with your baby and yourself. 

• Find friends to bring you food. 

• Have someone massage you often and well. 

• Find someone to support your partner. 

• Don't climb mountains. 

• Don't fly during those first days and months.

Would that have been possible?

I love you.

You are a wonderful mother.

I didn't believe you could be one.

—

If you’ve been through this transformation—or are standing on the edge of it—what would you write to your former self?